Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Time wounds all heels.
Now there’s a man with an open mind — you can feel the breeze from here!
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.
You know you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
[Not from Groucho:
What did the Dislexic Devil-Worshipper say?
I Serve Santa.]
If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.